what a cliff hanger.

well I've been thrown through some loops let me tell you. So I'm with this amazing girl for a week, it ends abruptly, what can you do? I stay stuck on the fact I felt like someone had pulled my heart through my ass. I really really really really wanted to be with someone, I thought she would have been perfect for awhile, apparently she did not feel the same way. So, we're great friends and all, i love her, friend wise ya know. She means a lot to me because for some reason I feel like I need to make her feel better when the world is being a dick to her. I can't imagine her crying, more or less it would literally shatter my heart. OBLITERATE....my heart. I would take it on my shoulders...how could I let that happen to her ya know? so that is that story...or fragmentary gibberish.

So, Seth wants me. "So I know this is kind of sudden, but wanna go out?" WHAT???!!! Ok, so yeah we were making out hardcore, but go out? Ok, so this kid has crushed me over and over and over. I've felt nothing but pain after even thinking about this kid, and I'm supposed to comprehend the idea of "going out" with him? He's a fuckin' nut. Yes, he is incredibly good looking, but is diminishing in weight more and more everyday, losing all pigments in his skin, and his teeth are hitting the orange side of yellow. Besides that...psh. kidding. well his mind is fairly unstable as well. I need to keep HIM safe, but does he need it? YES. These thoughts have always pulled me back into his greatness. Trickery I tell ya. Who is he now? He hasn't been separated from Emily for more than 3 months, he was in love with her. She was like the best thing that ever happened to him, aside from me.

I'll be the summer fling...I can live with that. That's all I want from him anyways right? WRONG. I want love and passion and security and happiness...he is not happiness. I don't even like him, I lust over him, but that's it.

I need answers...if someone else could pop up from a magical hole in the ground, I'd appreciate it. Tell me you want me instead, save me the anguish I'm about to pursue. I'm not responsible. I could lose the v-card with him...yuh? sound like a good idea? uh huh. NO NO NO NO.

what do I want?

can I be with someone that I've spent so much time forgetting??