give it a rest naomi.

so I was content...happy if I dare say.

I thought I had exactly what I wanted. At first I was a little uneasy but shortly realized I could quit being a pussy and just go for something. Man-O-Man was that a miiiiistake?? not mistake just...I don't know what to fucking call it. Trampled again naomi, trampled again. You'll get used to it. I'm having a hard time with what I thought I could handle. I always over or under estimate myself, I never just take life as it goes without thinking way too much beforehand. I'm telling myself "oh it was the age...something too much for one so young." bullshit. She says it's not me but if it's not me what is it? She was the one who seemed so damned eager in the first place. But then turns around and says she doesn't want it? Fuck. I'll go away in a dark corner and wait till someone actually needs me I guess.

I don't want to be an explosive raving lunatic, it's just...what do I do now?

I thought this summer would be fantastic, I could be free and have fun where I wanted and with who I wanted. After I met her, that idea sort of changed, but not in a negative sense. I was ecstatic that I had something to miss, something to be excited and secretive about, like I had something waiting. Nope, not anymore. So then I think "oh I guess I can have that same kind of fun again??" And remember why I can...oh yeah. So I've lost her and have no enthusiasm for this summer. Everyone is hung up on something or someone else. So it kind of sucks knowing now that I never really held a minute of her true attention, she was mentally pre-occupied with someone else.

It's just not gonna work. I thought I could go along with the whole "be friends...we connected" bullshit...nun-uh. She can't be a Megan, and personally this was too monumental of a new thing for me. I shocked myself with being so open and willing to "follow my heart". She played the whole "keep in touch" game. ok...see if you're saying to someone, oh we just don't click like that but you're important to me, you'd end it with a "I'll call ya next week" or something, not keep in touch!! something specific so the other person knows you're not just abandoning them...but that's what it was or is.

Abandonment...hello old friend.

And I guess there's really nothing I can do about any of this. Avoidance is good, but I guess if there's never going to be anything coming from the other end it's not avoidance.

I can't put it down.

I feel so horrible...about everything. How did all of that happen so fast? Why didn't it work? I hoped this all was a nightmare...like the several I had the night following. I wanted to pretend that she never really did say it wasn't going to work. I feel odd for allowing this to bother me so much, I didn't think I would be this torn up...I just have no clue where to go. I felt safe and sure with the idea of "going" to her, even though I barely knew her.

And to think I was confused at first by what she was saying. I just didn't see it coming...that's what fucks with my head.