what a cliff hanger.

well I've been thrown through some loops let me tell you. So I'm with this amazing girl for a week, it ends abruptly, what can you do? I stay stuck on the fact I felt like someone had pulled my heart through my ass. I really really really really wanted to be with someone, I thought she would have been perfect for awhile, apparently she did not feel the same way. So, we're great friends and all, i love her, friend wise ya know. She means a lot to me because for some reason I feel like I need to make her feel better when the world is being a dick to her. I can't imagine her crying, more or less it would literally shatter my heart. OBLITERATE....my heart. I would take it on my shoulders...how could I let that happen to her ya know? so that is that story...or fragmentary gibberish.

So, Seth wants me. "So I know this is kind of sudden, but wanna go out?" WHAT???!!! Ok, so yeah we were making out hardcore, but go out? Ok, so this kid has crushed me over and over and over. I've felt nothing but pain after even thinking about this kid, and I'm supposed to comprehend the idea of "going out" with him? He's a fuckin' nut. Yes, he is incredibly good looking, but is diminishing in weight more and more everyday, losing all pigments in his skin, and his teeth are hitting the orange side of yellow. Besides that...psh. kidding. well his mind is fairly unstable as well. I need to keep HIM safe, but does he need it? YES. These thoughts have always pulled me back into his greatness. Trickery I tell ya. Who is he now? He hasn't been separated from Emily for more than 3 months, he was in love with her. She was like the best thing that ever happened to him, aside from me.

I'll be the summer fling...I can live with that. That's all I want from him anyways right? WRONG. I want love and passion and security and happiness...he is not happiness. I don't even like him, I lust over him, but that's it.

I need answers...if someone else could pop up from a magical hole in the ground, I'd appreciate it. Tell me you want me instead, save me the anguish I'm about to pursue. I'm not responsible. I could lose the v-card with him...yuh? sound like a good idea? uh huh. NO NO NO NO.

what do I want?

can I be with someone that I've spent so much time forgetting??

irk.

sho...

I have a story.

Naomi is a pansy.

Naomi expects too much from people.

Naomi thinks the best of everyone before opening her eyes to the truth.

not that some people aren't genuinely good, but they live for their needs and wants, not Naomi's.

Naomi wants udder satisfaction for a moment.

fuck this dramatic shit.

Honestly, no joke. I cannot be "normal" what the hell??

Why do I focus so intensely on one ridiculous thing??

maahhhhhh.

misquito bites.

I'm so happy I talked to Jenny last night. Truely, I feel much better. I had a run in with my dad, I thought I was going to leave his house again, I needed someone. The only person I could think of calling was Jenny. I went to sleep smiling, not caring at all about my dads ego.

There's spiders everywhere.

no joke.

I was at a movie...KUNG FU PANDA!!!

freakin' awesome.

anyways...I saw this thing come in front of my view, I thought it was maybe a fly, but it was moving so slowly in an almost downward direction.

"spider?" I thought. But by the way it was headed, I figured I was safe. It was going to land over a couple feet. But I look down at my legs and see this little black thing on my skirt. It wasn't really little. So I started moving my skirt and this thing started crawling!! oh my gawd spider on my legs!! I jump up and start brushing and batting at my legs. WTF!? how does a spider come 30 ft down from a movie theatre ceiling and land directly on my legs?? There's always spiders around me. Like right now being in the basement, spiders usually pop up, haven't seen one yet though.

I had a dream once when I slept the night at Maxey's, that spiders were trying to get us. We hid in her room but this big black one was determinded to get us. It crawled in through the crack in the door!! AAAAAHHHHH!

I like spiders...kind of. The way they look is so freaky, but the idea of them scares the shit outta me.

mabe spiders are my animal ya know? my totem?? everyone's got one. I used to think it was eagles, maybe it slightly is. Whenever I'm on my way into Duluth an eagle flies directly over my car. This has happened at least half a dozen times.

What would you call an eleven sided polygon? decagon are ten sided. dodecagons are twelve sided. what about 11??


"we added 11.

why?? is it any better than 10?

yeah, cause now it goes up to eleven. "


I could use some spinal tap.

whaaaa??

ice cream truck??

that's a little crazy for my taste.
it's coming back!!

there's never been an ice cream truck through here!!

OMG.

little pink pill

I haven't taken my medication regularly. I shouldn't blame my craziness on that but damn have I been neurotic. jeez. i just don't want to lose anyone right now, not yet. I feel so vulnerable. I want to go dancing. Now, now, I have to go now, I have to see the frozen charles now.

boyskout...thems hella tight.

if only a gigantic lawn sign would come crashing down with big bold words saying "naomi! you make me feel like I'm floating!" everything would be golden.

a world without borders is what we're told we live in, yet there's a stop sign on every corner.

interviews

A little bubblier today.

I have my Dayton, I probably have a job at Kohl's, I'm realizing I have different goals and outlooks on things. I want to travel and move constantly...how Sagittarius of me. School next year will be totally different. I'll be more involved and have a job with the school. I would just like to meet someone, be with someone. It'll happen, as long as I don't look. Usually that's how it happens for me.

Live Rocky Horror show!! Hopefully I can go this Saturday. Uberly excited.

faaaaantaaastic.

off to save the world now.

ciao

the rage starts.

I found the first message from her in my phone messages.

what a way to fall asleep...pretending nothing ever happened.

if only she was as affected by this as I am.

"soul sisters" don't crush you.

lies lies and more lies.

hon.es.ty

OK so has anyone ever seen you in your underwear?
several
like a swim suit man, it's all natural.

How many people have you completely fallen for?
three and a half.

What color is the shirt you're wearing now?
teal!

What's on your mind?
My tiresome head and heart....tear tear.
aha.

What made you last cry?
Jenny

Did you watch Shot of Love with Tila Tequila?
riiiiiiiiiight.
I enjoy my brain cells thank you very much.

Who or what makes you happy ?
a list of people, list of places, and one singular dog named Odin.

Do you want to see someone this very minute?
dayton come home.

Do you have deep secrets?
mhm
ask meg
not that she'd tell you, I just thought I'd mention it

Do you like someone?
psh.
stab me with the rusty jagged spoon already.

What are you sick of?
people -.0 *irck*

What do you want right now?
to have better control over my actions, and to obtain clearer comprehension, of the purpose, of some events in my life.
Have you ever made anyone cry?
well, mom, sister, that one kid.

Are you normally a happy person?
relatively.
on the outside yeah
internally - not so much.
that flips according to the day of course.

What makes you mad?
having heartburn.i miss you omeprazole.

What is your greatest fear?
drowning...having to realize I'm drowning.

Are people annoying?
most
and all can be.

If you could go back 3 months and change something would you?
3 months ago??
I would have put away $300.

When was the last time you saw your best friend?
too long ago.
anna come back.
oh yousa sleepin' a ma maison tuesday.

Have you ever regretted letting someone go?
well with this one kid.
not letting him go could've saved us both a lot of grief that occured later on down the road??
past is past.

Is there anyone who doesn't like you?
of course.
But obviously they don't matter, now do they?
well if they can't take me I don't see why they would matter to me right??

Do you miss someone?
purty much.

Whats more romantic sunrise or sunset?
sunriiiii...set!!
no both.
depends on where.
sunset on venice beach is to die for.
sunrise in the woods on the shores of superior...excellante.

If someone did like you, how should they let you know?
well I've found notes are quite enjoyable.
straight up saying so face-to-face is nice as well.

What is bugging you right now?
me...why won't my nose ring heal and why can't I be content with singularity?
damn me and my urge for companions.

What is something you wish you could understand better?
how could I have lost my Nala.

How late did you stay up last night and why?
six in the morning.
three horrific nightmares, night sweats(never happens to me), anger frustration and sadness due to me not being the right thing.
what a great last day to be at mom's.

Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
blahgijsdofhdsiuoghsuidpgha.

Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
oh snap.
flings that last over a year probably don't count.

Do you think that you’re a good person?
hell yes.
i won't lie.
I'm a pretty awesome.

Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
last time momma grew them.
last summer??

Do you believe in love at first sight?
lust

Do you hate the last boy/girl you were talking to?
frick no.
anna...is the shizz.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
ANNA

What time is it?
8:24

Are you honest with people?
as much as I can be.

now time for umbrella tree.
check out 'bats in the bellfry'

changed my life.

period.

I want to be on the rag.
I'm tired of this emotional up and down bullshit.
karma karma karma karma karma chameleoooooooon.
you come and gooooooooo.
you come and goooooooo-o-oooooooo.

bam.

so i need some occupation
i mean someone to occupy me.
yuh.
looking forward to it.
so what if he has a girlfriend...that ain't stoppin' me.

peace.

p.s. I'm still a little fricked in the head.
maybe "people" will realize it's good to venture out and try other things(meaning me) before making up there mind on something else.
they have their whole life to see and experience.
I used to live that way, then I realized it got me no where.
I thought I could live with my fondness getting no return action.
nope.

These opinions are all so selfish of me...but I'm kind of a hooked...just a little.

now the bad stalker feeling kicks in.

I really am sorry.

can't we pretend?

I think I'm going to be sick.

give it a rest naomi.

so I was content...happy if I dare say.

I thought I had exactly what I wanted. At first I was a little uneasy but shortly realized I could quit being a pussy and just go for something. Man-O-Man was that a miiiiistake?? not mistake just...I don't know what to fucking call it. Trampled again naomi, trampled again. You'll get used to it. I'm having a hard time with what I thought I could handle. I always over or under estimate myself, I never just take life as it goes without thinking way too much beforehand. I'm telling myself "oh it was the age...something too much for one so young." bullshit. She says it's not me but if it's not me what is it? She was the one who seemed so damned eager in the first place. But then turns around and says she doesn't want it? Fuck. I'll go away in a dark corner and wait till someone actually needs me I guess.

I don't want to be an explosive raving lunatic, it's just...what do I do now?

I thought this summer would be fantastic, I could be free and have fun where I wanted and with who I wanted. After I met her, that idea sort of changed, but not in a negative sense. I was ecstatic that I had something to miss, something to be excited and secretive about, like I had something waiting. Nope, not anymore. So then I think "oh I guess I can have that same kind of fun again??" And remember why I can...oh yeah. So I've lost her and have no enthusiasm for this summer. Everyone is hung up on something or someone else. So it kind of sucks knowing now that I never really held a minute of her true attention, she was mentally pre-occupied with someone else.

It's just not gonna work. I thought I could go along with the whole "be friends...we connected" bullshit...nun-uh. She can't be a Megan, and personally this was too monumental of a new thing for me. I shocked myself with being so open and willing to "follow my heart". She played the whole "keep in touch" game. ok...see if you're saying to someone, oh we just don't click like that but you're important to me, you'd end it with a "I'll call ya next week" or something, not keep in touch!! something specific so the other person knows you're not just abandoning them...but that's what it was or is.

Abandonment...hello old friend.

And I guess there's really nothing I can do about any of this. Avoidance is good, but I guess if there's never going to be anything coming from the other end it's not avoidance.

I can't put it down.

I feel so horrible...about everything. How did all of that happen so fast? Why didn't it work? I hoped this all was a nightmare...like the several I had the night following. I wanted to pretend that she never really did say it wasn't going to work. I feel odd for allowing this to bother me so much, I didn't think I would be this torn up...I just have no clue where to go. I felt safe and sure with the idea of "going" to her, even though I barely knew her.

And to think I was confused at first by what she was saying. I just didn't see it coming...that's what fucks with my head.

first time

I'm running.
I'm running from that same old fuckin' feeling.
Break it and fix it.
That's my mode of transportation.
Functioning with straight-up happiness?
Hell no.
Not on my watch.
So is this barried secret noticeable?
I wish I were six feet under with it.
Oh fuck the spurting of my lively content.
Both fluids if you've got my jive.
Yes the red and white come forth while her ever lasting memory swings by my eye.
Stabbing that vein filled orb A.S.A.P
Sight...you bring me nothing but pain.


that was a couple weeks ago.
the tune has changed quite a bit.